How I Learned to Love My Life Outside of Being a Mother with PTSD
I was the first of my friend group to do so many things. I was the first to know where I wanted to go to college and what I wanted to major in. I was the first to get married. I was even the first to have a baby by nearly two years; two years of my closest friends not understanding me anymore, not being where I was at mentally, emotionally, or physically. In the very least, it got lonely, even when I was surrounded by people and my child.
But unfortunately, I was also the first to go through a traumatic experience in college. According to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network, also known as RAINN, less than 20% of women report their sexual assault. I have to say I almost fell into being part of that statistic if it hadn’t been for a woman mentor of mine at the time. She created a safe space and relationship between the two of us where I could tell her everything and anything.
Over dinner one night, she mentioned my energy had shifted and she had noticed it the moment I walked into the restaurant. I wasn’t making eye contact as much, I kept jumping ever so slightly from my seat when our waiter approached, and when I would pick up my water glass my hand would shake a little. At first, I politely laughed and said I just had had too much coffee that day. But she knew better and got up from the table and gave me a hug. She said when I was ready I could tell her what was going on.
Tears swelled up in my eyes and shame flooded my body. I began to whisper over the loud and crowded dining room about a boy who had been stalking me over the summer and finally took his moment when I was alone in my apartment. I told her how I felt so stupid for letting him in, how I just wanted to give him water to sober up and told him to leave. How he had demanded for me to tell him which room was mine and when I refused grabbed me, and demanded louder. I stupidly pointed and he pushed me into my room and took down his pants. My mind went blank, my body numb.
As I write this story now, nearly fourteen years later, my hands still shake a little. I told her how even after he had finished he wouldn’t leave my room, stayed the night, and then followed me to the subway the next morning. I told her how all my roommates, all four of them, had left for the weekend and somehow he knew I was alone. She sat there and listened.
When I was done and essentially a puddle on the floor, she very gently but sternly told me to report this to the police immediately after dinner. The crazy part? I lived one block away from the police station. I walked by them every day and every night. So that night I walked by the police station… slowly. As I walked by, I looked up at the officer who was standing outside leaning against the brick pillar with a lit cigarette and he saw the look on my face. He stood up straight and called out to me, “Do you have something you need to tell me?”
I stopped dead in my tracks, took a deep breath, and nodded yes. I ended up going to SUV later that night, and two months later brought my abuser to trial through my university. After a second trial, they convicted him, suspended him, and put him through Sexual Assault Counceling and Education (SACE). But I still lived with the aftermath.
Honestly, motherhood and the birth of my first child were huge triggers after thinking I had healed from my post-traumatic stress disorder. PTSD is a mental health condition triggered by a traumatic event. Many associate PTSD with soldiers returning from war zones, but it can affect anyone who has experienced or witnessed a distressing event, like sexual assault. According to the American Psychiatric Assoication, 10% to 12% of women struggle with PTSD, while only 5% to 6% of men report being diagnosed with PTSD. It's estimated that a significant number of mothers go undiagnosed. APA also reports that 17% of mothers get a diagnosis of PTSD after certain birthing experiences.
The symptoms can be subtle and easily attributed to the normal stressors of motherhood and generalized societal roles. These symptoms could show up as fatigue, irritability, and sleep disturbances. Recognizing the signs is crucial to breaking the silence and ensuring these mothers get the support they need, not just from a therapist or psychiatrist, but from their village as well!
The guilt associated with PTSD can be particularly challenging for mothers. Society often places immense pressure on women to be the nurturing, ever-present caregiver. For a mother with PTSD, this can be an overwhelming thought, let alone an action to carry out. The fear of being judged or labeled as an inadequate parent prevents many from seeking help, perpetuating a cycle of suffering in silence.
While it took time for me to speak up, acknowledging my struggle with PTSD and understanding it was not a sign of weakness but an opportunity to change my own narrative. Therapy provided a safe space to explore my traumatic experience and develop coping mechanisms that would allowed me to be present for myself and my daughter without being overwhelmed by triggers. The days where I was exhausted from being up with the baby all night seemed to also act as an invitation to my subconscious to play highlight reels of my fears and trauma. Those were the days I just wanted to hide under the covers and cry.
I started to do five small actions and and asked myself one big question. I hope by sharing these five steps and one question, it will help you if this is your story too. On the days that seemed to be my worst yet, I simply reminded myself I had survived the hundreds before it. I would ask myself one question that was told to me by another amazing female mentor.
“What is my next best step?”
What this question means is what is the next best thing you can do for yourself today? Is it take a shower? Is it make yourself a cup of tea? Is it make a list of things you can get done tomorrow but not today? What is one thing that you can do to make yourself feel like you can take a step forward tomorrow? This exercise is not about motherhood, although it could be. This exercise is about filling up your cup and making you feel… human again!
Once I had my answer to “What is my next best step?”, I would do these five actions:
Rest!
Yes, I gave myself permission to rest. And rest doesn’t have to look like staying in bed all day. It can look like calling out of work and getting your nails done. It could look like calling your mom or best friend and asking her to take the kids. It could even look like not participating in group texts or social media that day! Conserve your energy in whatever way you are being called to do.
Establish a boundary for the day
Here’s a hot buzzword currently, “boundaries”. Setting healthy boundaries is one of the BEST things I ever learned how to do during my therapy sessions and beyond in my healing. Learning how to love energy suckers from a distance, saying “no, thank you” to things I don’t actually want to do, and choosing myself and my own happiness so I could give more to my kids has saved me in more ways than one. Give it a try and choose just one healthy boundary for the day and stick to it.
Meditate
I have been teaching meditation for nearly 10 years to women, beginners, and skeptics, and I love every single human who comes into my class. At first, they are there because they feel like they should be - it’s what everyone else is saying they do so why not them? But by the time they leave, I see their ears drop from their shoulders, their jaw unclench, and their energy shift! I never wanted to be put on medication (not that there is anything wrong with medication, it just wasn’t part of my healing journey), but meditation definitely became my medication. I wanted to dig deeper into parts of myself I could give love to, that I could take time in understanding so I could understand how I moved in the world. But I will say this, if you are going to try meditation, please try it more than one, two, three times! Meditation is a daily practice, and it’s called a practice for a reason!
Journal
What goes better with shifting your energy, healing, and mediation more than journaling? It’s not a diary, or even a love letter to yourself or your enemies (although if that’s where you take it, go for it!). Journaling, in my healing journey, was very much a way for me to get repetitive thoughts out of my head and my space and onto a page. It was a way for my to get ideas, thoughts, and unwanted highlight reels to stop and no longer have power over me or my narrative. As soon as I would see these words hit the page I could then rewrite them to work for me!
Choose to love
It may sound corny or cliche, but please choose to love yourself again. I could tell you until my face turns blue “it wasn’t your fault”, but unless you tell yourself that and believe it, it won’t feel that way or be true for you. But listen, it was NOT your fault. Whatever happened, whatever your trauma. Sweet girl, it wasn’t your fault. You are safe, you are loved, and everything is ok. This is what I say to my daughter every single night before we to go sleep. Choose all the loving thoughts, moments, and energy. You deserve peace and you deserve all the love. And you know it just as well as I do that your kids pick up on your energy and the words we tell ourselves and say out loud. Choose love.
So here, let me leave you with this! My healing journey has taught me that embracing life outside of being a mother and someone with PTSD, is not a betrayal of my role; it's a celebration of my resilience and strength. Through therapy, support networks, and self-love, I have learned to be a woman who can savor the beauty of life beyond the haunting shadows of PTSD. It is my hope that by sharing my story, we can inspire other women and mothers to seek help, break the silence, and discover the path to loving their lives out loud.
If you or someone you know is struggling with sexual assault please visit www.rainn.org for more information on seeking help.
Caili Elwell is Hope Magazine’s Health & Wellness editor. She also owns her own marketing, branding, and PR agency that works with food brands, chefs, hospitality experiences creating more inclusive spaces, brands and experiences for families with food allergies. She is a speaker, educator, and advocate on what it is like to be a parent to children with food allergies. Follow her on Instagram @mothereatsproper.