Becoming Her: The Woman I’m Still Becoming
by Robin Allen
For a long time, I thought becoming a woman meant arriving at some final version of myself. I remember my mother frequently playing Aretha Franklin’s song Natural Woman. We never discussed it, but there was something about the song that made me want to grow up and become like the woman in that song.
I imagined how that woman would be. She would be confident, accomplished, wise, and certain. She would know what she wanted and how to get it. She would have a man who loved her and children to take care of. I imagined I would grow up and be like her. I would check enough of life's must-do boxes to one day say, “I've made it. I’m a natural woman.”
I was young and had no idea what that song really meant. I’m sure many Black women grew up without a blueprint for becoming a woman.
No Blueprint
In my early twenties, I had a reality check. I had some life experiences and was beginning to learn that being a woman is a many-splendored thing. Life has taught me that you are always changing. There is no final version of you. There are seasons and versions of womanhood.
There is the young woman learning who she is. The responsible woman learning how to carry a family, a career, and everyone else's expectations. The experienced woman discovering that being strong doesn't mean carrying everything. The wise woman who realizes that she been evolving throughout her life. The insightful woman who learns how to accept the changes and exudes pride about the woman she has become in that moment, knowing she is always evolving.
The Evolution of Becoming
Black women face a multitude of questions during their lifetime. Sometimes they are aware of the challenges they face and sometimes they do not realize they are in a phase that leads to self-discovery. These questions relate to the art of becoming and can include:
Who am I becoming?
What is my purpose?
What deserves my energy?
What am I willing to release?
What do I want to leave behind?
Can I begin again?
Who am I now?
These questions will resonate whether a woman is 35, 55, 75, or somewhere in between. The central idea that becoming never ends is timeless. It's about evolution and brilliance. We can change and become better versions of ourselves. We can move beyond survival, and learn to rest, set boundaries, change directions, pursue forgotten dreams, and remain lifelong learners.
What Do I Want Now?
Becoming means we continue to grow and change. We are often faced with an important question: What do I want now?
We are taught to be capable, resilient, dependable and to show up, take care of things, and keep going. We become so accustomed to being needed that making room for ourselves can feel almost unfamiliar.
Until something changes. A child grows up. A relationship ends. A career transition. A dream resurfaces. Life becomes quieter. And in that quiet, we finally hear ourselves.
Maybe there is a dream we put away because there wasn't time for it. Maybe there is a boundary we should have set years ago. Maybe there is a new direction calling us. Maybe we simply want permission to rest.
We begin to understand that changing our minds doesn't mean we failed. It means we learned to honor every season of life and give ourselves permission to evolve.
The woman I was at twenty-five doesn't have to determine who I am later in life. Every version of me had something to teach me — the mistakes, the victories, the heartbreaks, the beginnings, and the endings.
They all brought me here.
I have learned that becoming isn't always about another title, achievement, or accomplishment. Becoming can transcend and transfer to a place where purpose is found in what we nurture, what we teach, what we create, what we share, and what we leave for the people coming behind us.
Becoming Never Ends
Maybe that's one of the gifts of getting older: realizing that becoming never ends. There are still things to learn. Dreams to revisit. Places to go. Stories to tell. New versions of us that are waiting to emerge.
I’m not waiting to become her.
I am already becoming her. The woman I've been matters. The woman I've become matters and the woman I'm still becoming matters, too.
There is no expiration date on becoming. No deadline for reinvention. No age at which we have to stop discovering ourselves. We simply keep evolving.
Who Am I Becoming Now?
Whatever the answer is, I give myself grace, grit, and permission to become and discover what’s next. Why?
You are not waiting to become her, every experience has helped shape the woman you are today.
Because she is already here.
She is me.
Brilliance celebrates the woman you've been, the woman you've become, and the woman you're still becoming.
As proudly claimed in Whitney Houston’s song I’m Every Woman, “Cause I’m every woman. It’s all in me.”
I’ve arrived. It’s all in me. I will always be ‘every woman.’